Week 5 — touchdown tears, kicker surprises, and one AI uprising.
The leaves are falling, fantasy hopes are stalling, and Week 5 delivered like a full-blown Netflix binge. Buckle up.
Pineapple Power 🍍 122.42 def. Mild Cheddar 🧀 114.02
Pineapple stayed sweet and savage. Puka Nacua ran routes like he knew we were watching. Mild Cheddar tried to melt, but the heat was too real.
Lubby 💅 140.62 def. $traight Cash Homies 💸 92.22
Kelce & Goff dialed into finesse mode, while Cash Homies forgot to bring the defense. Fairbairn just quietly kicked like his foot was dipped in honey.
AI Overlords 🤖 193.32 def. Go Sports Ball! 🏈 125.26
Six starters with 20+? Bold flex. Meanwhile, Go Sports Ball flung touchdowns but forgot to stop the system from gaining sentience.
Jon’s Super Team 🦸♂️ 105.26 def. Bon Jovi’s Stallions 🐎 85.64
Stafford, JJ, and chemistry. Bon Jovi looked like they lost their map. Jon just keeps stacking W’s while the rest argue on group chat.
Amon Fire 🔥 133.58 def. CJ’s Semi-Competitive Team 🤏 132.80
Win by 0.78. Win by a whisper. Taylor & Ferguson delivered late. CJ’s CMC almost closed it. A heartbreak you could hear across the internet.
Bjorn’s Deep Thoughts 🧠 109.12 def. Ben 10’s Watch ⌚ 72.02
Mahomes steadied the ship, Waller decided to show up, and Bjorn’s brain whispered “win.” Ben’s squad hit snooze harder than a Monday alarm.
🏆 Weekly Awards
Team of the Week: AI Overlords (193.32 pts)
The machines took over and gave us nightmares. Points poured like rain.
Nail-Biter Award: Amon Fire by 0.78 pts over CJ
That finish hurts in the soul. CJ may never be the same.
Biggest Beatdown: AI Overlords vs Go Sports Ball! (+68.06)
When you feel confident *and* contagious.
Stud of the Week: Jonathan Taylor (31.6 pts)
JT ran like the world owed him yards. We’re still converting them to church offerings.
Bench Hero: C.J. Stroud (28.76 pts)
Just lounging on the bench, dropping QB1 stats. Classic energy.
The “It Be Like That” Award: Ben 10’s Watch (72.02 pts)
You had one job. The watch failed. We believe in you next week.
🍿 Stat Snacks
- AI Overlords had six starters over 20 pts. All hail the algorithm.
- Lubby’s kicker scored 18 pts. That’s more than some starting WRs this week.
- Amon Fire’s 0.78-point win margin: surgical precision.
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