Loon Calls and Long Balls — Week 1 Recap

Season 2026, 6 games, zero excuses. This is the official
Loon Calls and Long Balls dispatch: scores first, jokes second, leftover bench points last.

Hardware

• High score: Bjorn’s deep thoughts (Tom Morse) with 152.16
• Paperweight: Go Sports Ball! (J D) with 69.60
• Closest game: Ben 10's Watch over Lubby by 16.86
• Mercy rule: Bjorn’s deep thoughts by 47.70
• Player of the week: Caleb Williams (37.26)
• Bench war crime: Jalen Coker scored 33.80 in street clothes

The games

Ben 10's Watch 128.92 — Lubby 112.06

Ben 10's Watch (Ben Rasmussen) beat Lubby (Libby Larson) 128.92–112.06, by 16.86.

Married matchup. Defending champ Ben took the title defense into the living room and won by 16.86. Libby still has to look at him over coffee. Jahmyr Gibbs went nuclear with 33.60. Sitting Dallas Goedert (23.70) and still winning is a flex with a paper cut. Josh Allen dropped 35.66 like the defense owed him money. Isaiah Likely dropped 27.80 in street clothes. That is a lineup felony.

Jimothy 93.96 — Jack 133.46

Jack (Jack Dragswiek) beat Jimothy (Dylan Dragswiek) 133.46–93.96, by 39.50.

Dad vs son. Jack sent Dylan to bed without a box score. 39.50 points is not a generation gap. It is a custody hearing for the remote. The entire building ran through Kenneth Walker III (34.10). Parking Jalen Coker (33.80) is how you turn a win into a TED Talk about process. The ‘lead’ scorer was Mike Evans at 16.90. That is a whisper, not a lead. Rams D/ST chipped in 1.00, mostly as a conversation piece. You sat Malik Willis (16.70). The bench is not witness protection.

Pineapple Power 150.12 — Jon's Super Team 103.10

Pineapple Power (Jeff Dragsten) beat Jon's Super Team (Jon Meyer) 150.12–103.10, by 47.02.

This was less a football game and more a courtesy visit. Ashton Jeanty piled up 32.70, a number that looks like a typo until you check twice. Patrick Mahomes scoring 21.66 unused was just showing off. The Super part of Jon's Super Team is currently in committee. Amon-Ra St. Brown posted 28.70 and made it look easy, which is rude. D'Andre Swift’s 32.40 on the pine is going to live in a group text at 11:47 p.m.

Bjorn’s deep thoughts 152.16 — AI Overlords 104.46

Bjorn’s deep thoughts (Tom Morse) beat AI Overlords (Russ Johnson) 152.16–104.46, by 47.70.

Bjorn’s deep thoughts lapped AI Overlords by 47.70. The GPS said recalculating and then gave up. Bjorn’s deep thoughts thought deeply, then scored 152.16 anyway. Caleb Williams posted 37.26. That is not a game log. That is a stickup. The unused Christian Watson (32.70) even got highlighted in the app. The win survived it. The overlords have been overlorded. Somebody pull the plug and plug it back in. Derrick Henry put the roster on his back and walked it 35.30 yards down the hall. Parking Jordan Love (19.48) should require a written memo to the rest of the league.

CJ's Semi-Competitive Team 122.30 — $traight Cash Homies 145.76

$traight Cash Homies (Josh Hinke) beat CJ's Semi-Competitive Team (cj kuhlman) 145.76–122.30, by 23.46.

Competitive, sure. Clean? Absolutely not. $traight Cash Homies got paid. The receipt is the box score. Bijan Robinson (31.30) was the main event. Everyone else was opening acts. Chargers D/ST put up a clean zero. Minimalist. Cowardly. CJ's Semi-Competitive Team remains, as advertised, only semi. The box score ran through Trevor Lawrence (26.10). The unused Parker Washington (19.30) outscored half the starting lineup. Cool, cool.

Bon Jovi's Stallions 91.60 — Go Sports Ball! 69.60

Bon Jovi's Stallions (Sarah Dragswiek) beat Go Sports Ball! (J D) 91.60–69.60, by 22.00.

This was the game they play in the parking lot after the real games end. Jonathan Taylor did 25.10 of honest work and left the rest of the roster to file paperwork. Tyler Shough (23.20) on the pine was a tip you did not need to leave. When you name a team Go Sports Ball! and score 69.60, the ball went. Jaxson Dart put up 26.60, which in Week 1 counts as a personality. Texans D/ST scored -4.00. That is not a defense. That is a weather event.

Board after Week 1

Team	GM	Record	Week pts
Bjorn’s deep thoughts	Tom Morse	1-0	152.16
Pineapple Power	Jeff Dragsten	1-0	150.12
$traight Cash Homies	Josh Hinke	1-0	145.76
Jack	Jack Dragswiek	1-0	133.46
Ben 10's Watch	Ben Rasmussen	1-0	128.92
Bon Jovi's Stallions	Sarah Dragswiek	1-0	91.60
CJ's Semi-Competitive Team	cj kuhlman	0-1	122.30
Lubby	Libby Larson	0-1	112.06
AI Overlords	Russ Johnson	0-1	104.46
Jon's Super Team	Jon Meyer	0-1	103.10
Jimothy	Dylan Dragswiek	0-1	93.96
Go Sports Ball!	J D	0-1	69.60

See you next week. Set your lineups. The loons are watching.