🧀 Mild Cheddar (104.0) vs. 🤖 AI Overlords (126.2)
Cheddar’s Broncos D/ST scored -5 points, proving once again that some cheeses really do stink. Drake Maye (26.3) tried to grate out a win, but defense turned it into Swiss.
The Overlords unleashed Ja’Marr Chase (36.5) like he was plugged into the Matrix. Even with Mark Andrews snoozing to 1.4, the machines had no mercy.
🔥 Amon Fire (139.7) vs. 🐯 Lubby (107.5)
Jack’s glow-up was real. Amon-Ra (39.2) and Jonathan Taylor (29.5) roasted Lubby alive. Even Bo Nix (20.2) remembered how to football.
Lubby’s Malik Nabers (37.7) went nuclear, but Burrow (7.0) looked like he was playing with oven mitts. Kraft (24.4) was left cooling on the bench like forgotten leftovers.
⌚ Ben 10’s Watch (89.0) vs. 🟣 Jon’s Super Team (112.2)
Lamar (26.3) and Saquon (17.4) tried to save the day, but Hockenson (2.2) fumbled the vibes. Jared Goff’s 34 points laughed from the bench.
Jon’s team wasn’t “super,” but Davante Adams (22.6) and kicker Brandon Aubrey (23.0!!) carried the cape. When your kicker is your hero, you just nod.
🍍 Pineapple Power (116.3) vs. 💵 $traight Cash Homies (116.9)
The closest matchup of the week! Odunze (31.8) and Puka (27.6) blended Pineapple into a smoothie, but kicker Chase McLaughlin (1.0) pulled the plug.
Cash Homies leaned on Bijan (19.8), Walker (18.8), and Jameson Williams (18.8). Josh Allen (11.8) flopped, but the Ravens D/ST (15.0) came through.
🧠 Bjorn’s Deep Thoughts (109.0) vs. 🏟️ Go Sports Ball! (127.8)
Mahomes (22.1) and Achane (26.2) made Bjorn philosophical. Sutton (1.6) answered the question: “What is pain?”
Go Sports Ball! went turbo with James Cook (26.5), JSN (18.3), and Wan’Dale Robinson’s 28.2 on the bench. Baker Mayfield outscored Justin Herbert — somewhere, chaos theory is validated.
🐢 CJ’s Semi-Competitive Team (123.7) vs. 🎸 Bon Jovi’s Stallions (107.5)
CMC (22.7), Hubbard (18.7), and Waddle (17.8) made CJ look actually competitive. Kyler Murray (14.0) remembered his height, but still won.
Bon Jovi’s Stallions had Lamb (20.2) and Tyreek (16.9), but Derrick Henry (2.3) got stage fright. When your stallion plays like a Shetland pony, you’re livin’ on a prayer.
🏆 Week 2 Awards
🌋 Eruption of the Week
Amon-Ra St. Brown (39.2) – dropped solar flares all over the scoreboard.
🥶 Frostbite Award
Broncos D/ST (-5) – colder than Denver in December.
🪑 Bench Blunder
Ben 10’s Watch – left Goff’s 34 rotting while Hockenson waddled.
💔 Heartbreaker
Pineapple Power – lost by 0.6 points. Someone check on Chase McLaughlin.
🦄 Surprise Hero
Brandon Aubrey (23.0) – the kicker who saved Jon’s week.
🪞 Identity Crisis Award
Derrick Henry (2.3) – drafted like a tank, played like a scooter.
📊 Week 2 Power Rankings (Unofficial & Petty)
- 🔥 Amon Fire (Jack’s glow-up is scary)
- 🏟️ Go Sports Ball! (Baker > Herbert, 2025 is cursed)
- 🤖 AI Overlords (Chase upgrade installed)
- 💵 $traight Cash Homies (barely cashed in)
- 🐢 CJ’s Semi-Competitive Team (surprisingly dangerous)
- 🍍 Pineapple Power (missed by a sip)
- 🟣 Jon’s Super Team (powered by kicker juice)
- 🧠 Bjorn’s Deep Thoughts (thinking > scoring)
- 🧀 Mild Cheddar (defense spoiled the wheel)
- 🐯 Lubby (Nabers wasted)
- 🎸 Bon Jovi’s Stallions (Henry flopped)
- ⌚ Ben 10’s Watch (QB and TE purgatory)
🔥 That’s Week 2. Between negative defenses, kicker MVPs, and heartbreak by 0.6 points, this league is already chaos. On to Week 3 — where it only gets messier.
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